Place of life, marriage, children… how the couple decides

Who says the couple immediately thinks of the decision in a big way, including the most compelling question: living together? Get married? Have a child? Change region? Essential choices but those that only embrace a small part of the vast field of arbitration on which a couple’s life is built. On a daily basis, you’ll find a dinner menu, a movie to watch on television or in the movies, invitations to send to friends and family, choosing a nanny, children’s school adaptations, colorful screens, buying a car, creating a vegetable garden and much more that will surely evoke a dialogue. No.

That’s the problem!Responded by Emmanuel Ballet de Cockereumont, psychotherapist, co-author of Marie-France Ballet de I stopped being bad about myself!21 days to save love (Eyrolles, 2016). A romantic attitude of the couple leads one to think that there is no need to consult with each other. Decisions and roles are vaguely fixed in a preliminary agreement that is often not permanent because everyone will consider that their views can be considered. A

“Touch of annoyance to see him occupying my square meadow”

Nathalie, a 47-year-old accountant, testified: “Philip, my husband, who sarcastically called me a ‘family banker’, has started putting his two cents on things like opening an account, which had made him deeply bored a while ago. , “ She admits

Let one decide on the decor, why not let the other go on weekends? But in terms of talking about it, Mary Jose de Aguirre, Gestalt Therapist (1) believes: “Automation is catching on in everyday life. But it is important to know where the other is, perhaps to establish what has been established.”

This underlying distribution of choice is usually based on interest. It is possible to make a decision to someone else, which does not mean unloading on himNote Bernard Prieur, therapist and author Family, money and love. The psychological bet of material questions (Albin Mitchell, 2016). To avoid this error, it is important to acknowledge one’s own qualifications and needs.. A

This everyday choice game come to our history and what Bernard Prieur calls “Map of the world” : “Acquired in our original family, it shapes our values ​​and our opinions, it follows in the letter or vice versa. Coming from different backgrounds, culture or religion enriches but complicates the union.” From a family to a hedonist where pleasure is above all and from a peasant stock to a frugal one where it would be more difficult to agree on an uncertain future and space offered for various purchases.

Equity instead of equality

Ideally, decisions are made by two people in a “co-construction”, as shown by the 62-year-old Francois: “For the holidays, my partner and I had a general wish: not to fly for environmental reasons. He wanted Spain but I was afraid of the heat; I wanted Austria where I let him choose our stages which he fixed by the lake because he likes to swim. .

The balance between the two members of the couple is often forged over time. More than equality, equity is importantBernard Prior believes. It is established over time from unequal order.A Be careful, however, not to create “Loan”Emanuel Ballet de Kokeriaumont warns: “If decision-making is a struggle, and if someone ‘wins’ this time, then they have to lose next time, which can be unbearable in essential matters. A

Conflicts have a reputation for being particularly thorny when it comes to educating children, which is closely related to our values. Psychotherapists also recommend listening to those involved. “Adults are responsible, but they should be involved in all decisions about the child. He does not need to prove his point, but his opinion needs to be taken into account. A

Some differences seem insurmountable: one wants a child, the other does not; One dreams of marriage, the other is afraid of getting stuck in it … Couples create a frozen balance by opposing each otherBelieves Emanuel Ballet de Kokeriaumont. How would you be prepared to have a child if you were asked to do so immediately? You just have to be more discriminating with the help you render toward other people. A The balance of power can exist even in dialogue, when there is a fear of “being” and when the purpose of the exchange is to gain control over others. “Effective, even through blackmail, power issues complicate decision-making by trying to establish who is right or wrong.” Note by Marie Jose de Aguirre.

Willing to give up

An argument that reassures everyone, is sure to stay the right way, but prevents the flexibility needed for a joint decision. There is a Latin word for etymology for decision making which means “cut” and “cut”. “It involves agreeing to give up, The therapist says. If what we gain is at least as important as what we lose, then this choice is fair. In any case, self-esteem is required for dialogue to assert oneself in the decision. A

Accepting it does not always involve excitement. Sometimes no one says a word, like Matthew, 34: “When we left, my partner, who wanted a houseman apartment, finally set up his place of interest in a comfortable and charming apartment with his knock on the third floor. The floor of a building without an elevator. I leave him. A A position “not responsible or guilty” that raises the question of investing in the couple and may turn to the one who was silent. If there is a lot of freedom in being a “leader”, then this position can also give a heavy feeling of loneliness.

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Books to improve communication between couples

Be truly yourself, love others completely!Non-violent communication between couple and friendsMarshall B. By Rosenberg, Edition Juvens, 2011, 152 p., € 8.10.

Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a great tool for better communication between couples, expressing one’s feelings to others and communicating their needs, as well as welcoming their loved ones generously. The creator of CNV, Marshall B. Rosenberg described it as inconsistent, unspoken, and aggressive, in order to thwart many barriers to collective decision-making.

More love, less conflict. Fun communication manual for couples, By Jonathan Robinson, Amethyst Edition, 2019, 230 p., € 18.

This book provides simple exercises and methods for listening, understanding and estimating friction, especially for both members of the couple to make appropriate decisions.

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