Young Widowed Mothers: How they went through this ordeal

Every June 23, World Widow’s Day Highlight the disadvantages of these people weakened by losing their partner. When we speak of a widow or widow, we tend to imagine people of a certain age, because reasoning indicates that death occurs at an advanced age. But this is not always the case … On this occasion, several mothers who lost their spouses early, even though their children were still very young or still not born for some, agreed to testify. Clearly, we imagine the shock of such an early death in the life of a couple and a family, and yet, we have a parent on whom our little end depends. How did they go through this ordeal?

Mourning over the death of his wife

Road accidentOvercoming an accident, heart attack or illness at work … Although we know we can lose our partner at any time, we never really consider it, even less so with age. The mothers who agreed to testify agree on one thing: We never imagined that this could happen to us. However, according to statistics, every year an estimated 24,000 married women or concubines under the age of 55 (Editor’s note: Before that age the government authorities talk about primary widowhood) Lose their partner. If we look more closely, among widows between the ages of 25 and 30, there are even nine females for every male. The Early widowhood This is the result of record early extra male deaths in France (Bauhia, 2008) which created the longest life span gap between the two sexes in Europe. In this case, there are many situations that give birth to single paternity: nine out of ten young widows have children with their dead wives. In total, there are thus 90,000 single-parent families consisting of one young widowed parent (Delaney, 2013).

A tragedy that Erica has just experienced: “I was only 30 years old, and had been a widow for three and a half months. When my husband died, our son was only 13 months old, he was going to be 29 years old … we learned that Cancer 1 month after the birth of our son … long and difficult years of illness, medical, moral and physical suffering … we could not take full advantage of our son’s first year, and he did not. Take full advantage of this year with both parents! Life is sometimes really unfair … every day, every place, every event reminds me of a part of our history, our life, his life that is no more today … how to overcome them? “, He asked in our forum Shock, feelings of injustice, disbelief, sometimes surprise or lack of emotion in the face of this violent shock are all reactions and normal reactions to protect oneself. But very soon, everyday survival becomes central again: Do?

Young widows and financial uncertainty

Running a family requires practical and financial resources. The salary of the two parents was necessary for the proper functioning of the family when it was in this case. Face a Premature deathMany moms find themselves in difficult financial situations. “Initially we had to pay for the funeral, even if Social Security pays a fee. But later? Our whole organization was based on our two incomes. I deserve almost no help because I am not considered extremely poor.” Explains Lady, mother of one child. Indeed, not only the female mother of one child, but the housewife, tenants are most at risk.

After all, they will receive a few different family allowances, if they do not exceed a fairly low limit of wealth. Difficulties increase if the couple is not married or in PACS or does not expect to manage their assets with a notary. The Common-Law Union gives almost no rights, even in the presence of children.

Raising her children alone

However, these children need to grow up well, alone. We can say that their fate is comparable to that of a single mother, but Florence disagrees: “Death is harder than divorce. In divorce, children know that there is a side door. Among the dead, they see nothing. My father was divorced: he did not raise me but I knew my dad was there and I could see him. I told my mom: Today, I want to see dad, and my mom took me. My daughters will never be. See dad again. That choice doesn’t exist, “she says. . “Early widowhood means taking full-time care of the children on your own. In the event of a divorce, you can always play a system of custody, be it alternative custody or otherwise. As a widow, you have extra powers: everything depends on you, all the time available. For your children, ”said another mother, who prefers to remain anonymous.

Moreover, how to wake up this lost parent with his children, deal with his own suffering and his own lack? Lady, a mother of two, aged 5 and 2, said: “My second child was born the day after my husband’s accident. She only knew her father in my womb and yet she often called her father and kissed him a lot. I don’t want to do it but she often kisses me on all the photos. When my kids ask me questions, I try to talk to them happily about their father. I have no desire to give up, I’m strong enough, but it’s not always easy. , I feel lonely sometimes. “

Great feeling of loneliness

In fact, there are some difficult moments in daily life that remind us of our loved ones and especially their absence: “I am tired, morally and physically. This year has been very difficult. I pretend to be good in front of my son, but every night, I can’t help but crack. I see it everywhere, in our daily lives. I think about the next deadline: my son’s birthday, my, his Celebrate the end of the year… so many happy moments that we will never share again “, woke up this mother. This pain and this loneliness in the face of this pain, many mothers have described it.

“My beautiful family is very present when I need to talk, all my cousins ​​are the same age and like everyone’s child. So we can live many moments of family sharing … It was the second Christmas we went without my husband, it’s still very Painful but the presence of a loved one warms our hearts “, wants to underline Lady.

Children are empowered from an early age

Ines died at the age of 9 when her father died, at the age of 33. His mother is 30, his younger sister, 6 years old and his younger brother, the youngest, 1 year old. “I think my little brother felt in my mother’s womb that he had to be prudent. Because I remember, and our relatives also say that he was a very quiet child, who never cried. Was kept in the arm of the fever. A year later, my father died in his hospital room, while we were having my birthday party at my house with the family, “he recalls. She cried that night. It was only time. “Since everything around me was falling apart, my family was falling apart, my mother was helpless, no one had to hold on and cry. And I took on that role: I acted like nothing happened and I moved on, I smiled we As soon as I talked about her, I changed the conversation so as not to reach out, I really acted like she never was. I really mourned until I was a teenager, “she says.

For children, living in the absence of a deceased parent can cause very different reactions. “The biggest thing for me is, it’s still something I can talk to people about without problems, but with my mom it’s something else: I never wanted her to feel my pain, to protect and save her. As big, I have always wanted to be strong, to whom nothing can reach. On the other hand, for my younger brother, who is now 15 years old, it is very complicated. He is not easy going through adolescence. We feel very well that he has an indescribable rage, of course because he never knew his father “, underlined Ines.

The difficulty of “rebuilding your life”

The last thing that seems sensitive: the stimulus to “rebuild your life.” Being young, these mothers are sometimes pushed, often in a beneficial way, to think about themselves, their lives as women. “People easily enter your personal life: why don’t you remarry, etc. […] You have to be strong to endure all this. When it is young, people have the idea that six months, a year later, everything is over. You “get married”. I had the impression of not being able to live my grief at my own pace “, protested Leya, in our forum.

For her part, Ines’ mother met a new man: “Two years later, she began her life with another man, who was the opposite of my father. I think, so as not to worry too much about her.” Daughter these new encounters are completely legitimate and you should not feel guilty for feeling attraction or affection towards someone else. It does not erase the life shared with a dead partner. Take the time to talk to your child about this new reunion, to understand how he or she feels about it, and to explain to him or her that it will never replace his or her lost parents.

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