Words are very important, especially when talking to a child. Words can have a lasting effect on them and form their perceptions of the world and themselves for better or worse. Most parents are careful not to use threatening or abusive language.
However, they may use common phrases that seem helpful, but may have the opposite effect than intended. There are phrases that seem innocent to you, but should be avoided when talking to your child and what psychologists recommend here instead.
Here are 6 phrases you should never use when talking to your child:
1. No thanks
Recently, parents have started saying “no thanks” instead of “stop” or “no”. In the face of this, it makes sense, because they are just trying to teach their children politeness. However, Laura Markham says ‘no thanks’ means ‘I don’t want it but thank you for giving it to me’. But when used to soften the nose, it sends a misleading message to children who do not understand why their behavior is not acceptable.
Sometimes when talking to your child, it’s best to use a strong number, especially to end dangerous or inappropriate behavior, then a strong but gentle explanation. And if you use “no thanks” instead of “no”, correct yourself. It also shows your child that you are able to go back and correct your mistakes, which is an important lesson in itself.
2. Tell me how you feel with your words
We often use this phrase to encourage children to talk about what is bothering them instead of crying or getting angry. However, most of the time, children do not know which words to use. The situation that prevents them from thinking well is why they cry and cry.
Peaceful Parent, Laura Markham, author of the book Happy Kids, suggests helping the child with the specific words they are looking for. “You can say to your brother, ‘Please go ahead.’ You can tell your sister: “I want you to lend me your toys.” Put the words right in their mouths, “he says.
3. We can’t afford it
Financial stress can weigh heavily on a family, but children should not be considered a burden. Also, they should not think that money controls their lives. This can give them an unhealthy relationship with excessive anxiety and money growth. According to Amy Morin, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do, teach them how to manage their budgets and finances well, depending on their age.
For example, if kids tell you to go to Disney World, don’t just say “we can’t afford it.” Instead, say “Tickets are out of our budget this year.” You can also discuss how to organize your budget.
4. Good work
While positive confirmation is a good thing, it must sound effective. “Good work” is an example of a compliment that can backfire. This appreciation can drive children through their external curiosity rather than their natural curiosity and internal motivation. Also, phrases like “good work” and “I’m so proud of you” don’t effectively legitimize and appreciate children’s efforts because they may feel like a knee-jerk reaction or general politeness. In addition, these compliments are achievement-based, which may suggest that approval depends on when the child is successful or behaves well.
Instead, “You did it!” Reflect the child’s feelings about achievement through phrases like this. Or “You did it!” “You can describe the task and appreciate how the child overcame it.” I see you created the puzzle yourself. You really persevered. It teaches the child the benefits of their success, encouraging them to do it again or something similar. Can
5. You are very smart / you are the best
These phrases can put pressure on your children. American psychologist Carol Dowek says children who have heard it believe they should fix it for the first time. Instead of working to improve their skills, they think their abilities cannot be developed.
For example, a parent may tell a child that he is too smart to solve math problems, but as soon as he encounters a problem that he cannot solve, he will think that he is not really clever. Telling a child that he is the best at something puts a certain pressure on him and he may think that his parents ’love depends on his performance.
When talking to your child, choose phrases that appreciate their efforts and notice how much they are enjoying a particular activity. “What parents need to know is that the best kind of encouragement is to appreciate what your child is doing,” Markham said. A
6. You are naughty
Your child should never feel like a bad person, no matter what he does. If your child has done something wrong, you should use the phrase “what you did wrong” instead because their actions may not be as good as your choice, but you should not think negatively about your child as a whole. We all make mistakes, but that doesn’t make us bad people.